


The Thoughts Are Not You

by Pippinpaddleopsicopolis (Barnable)



Series: They're Counting On You [2]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Day Two: Childhood | Schedules, Ember Island (Avatar), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, POV Suki (Avatar), Panic Attacks, Sokka (Avatar) Has OCD, Sokka (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Sokka (Avatar)-centric, Sokka Week 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:41:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27295819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Barnable/pseuds/Pippinpaddleopsicopolis
Summary: When the gaang abandons one of his schedules, Sokka lashes out. It's not because he's angry, and Suki understands that.
Relationships: Sokka/Suki (Avatar)
Series: They're Counting On You [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995538
Comments: 15
Kudos: 118
Collections: Sokka Week 2020





	The Thoughts Are Not You

Sokka always had a thing with schedules.

For a while, Suki thought it was just a guide or a control thing. Not necessarily something that had to be followed, but a good suggestion to keep them on track. But the more time she spent with Team Avatar, the more she realized that his schedules weren’t just a helpful list, they were an _obsession_. Sokka didn’t just want them to be followed, he _needed_ them to be followed. And when they weren’t, he lost it.

The first time they threw his schedule out the window, Sokka grit his teeth and walked away. By the time Suki found him, his eyes were bloodshot, and he looked tired, but he said he was fine. He scribbled out a new schedule and asked they stick to it the next day to get things back on track. They did. They followed his schedule, did everything in the order he wanted, and they repeated it all the next day. But it got really dull, really fast.

None of them meant any harm when they decided to take the morning off. It was nice out and they’d been working hard, so they thought it would be okay to go and hang out at the beach even though Sokka didn’t have it scheduled. He hadn’t come out of his room yet and wasn’t responding when they tried to invite him—it happened often when he was working on his plans, nothing to worry about—so they just went. And it was a terrible decision.

About half an hour after they got themselves comfortable on the sand, Sokka stormed out in front of them, his eyes wide with alarm and his hands gripping his schedule in his hands. He was upset. _Very_ upset. Katara argued with him, saying they deserved a break, Zuko sided with her when he insisted they were meant to be training, and Aang tried to calm everyone down because they had plenty of time left in the day to get things done. It just wasn’t good enough.

He ran off as quickly as he’d come out. Toph said they should let him go, to give him space to blow off his steam and get past whatever was bothering him, but Suki couldn’t just watch. She followed Sokka back to the beach house, though he was far ahead of her and by the time she arrived in the main room, he was already holed up somewhere else. Luckily, that somewhere else was only his room, so it didn’t take too long to find him. Not that she felt much better.

Sokka wasn’t just cooling off. In fact, he seemed to be doing the exact opposite. He was curled back into one corner of the room, his knees dragged up to his chest and his forehead pressed against them. His chest rose and fell heavily with each shaking breath, his hands pulling at his now-down hair like he wanted to pull it right out. Suki hesitated in the doorway before walking over to him, gently kneeling down, and placing one hand on his knee. Sokka didn’t look up.

“Hey.” Suki kept her tone soft and gentle, her free hand slowly gliding over to Sokka’s ear. She carefully pressed her palm to the back of his hand, slowly pulling his fingers away from his hair and asking him to relax as she laced them with hers. He still didn’t budge, his breathing shallow and pained. “Take a deep breath, okay? You’re all right, Sokka. You’re safe.”

He nodded briskly, but still didn’t say a word. Suki reached up to his other hand, caring for it in the same way she had his left and tugging it down into hers. Thankfully, Sokka allowed her to do that and to take exaggerated breaths too. He was clearly struggling to calm himself, but she could tell that he was trying to follow her lead and that was enough. She wouldn’t push him to say or do anything else until he was ready.

After his breathing finally started to even out, Sokka started to untangle himself; his legs relaxing from their closed position and his arms lowering down to his sides. Once he was open enough for her to slide in closer, Suki pulled him into her arms, kissing the top of his forehead and pushing his hair back behind his ears. She’d caught a glimpse of his tie lying in two pieces on the floor, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out that he’d torn it during his panic.

“I’m sorry.” Sokka’s voice was barely above a whisper, his words hoarse and shaking on each syllable. His arms slid around Suki’s lower back, his head resting against the crook of her shoulder. “This is so stupid.”

“No, it’s not.” She pulled him in closer, one hand on the back of his head and gently playing with his hair as she tried to help him calm down. “It’s not stupid.”

“You just wanted a break. You’ve been working so hard and you deserved a break, and I wouldn’t let you have it. I shouldn’t have yelled at you guys. I know you weren’t trying to do anything wrong, it’s just— never mind, I’m just an idiot. I’m such an idiot.”

“You are _not_ an idiot, Sokka. To be honest with you, I don’t really understand why you’re so obsessed with everything being done exactly the right way, but it’s not stupid and it doesn’t make you stupid either. You like things done a certain way. That’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“But there _is_.” His fingers squeezed the back of her shirt when his voice cracked, tears soaking their way through her shirt. “There is and I know it and I know it’s not normal, but I can’t stop myself. I feel like I _need_ the schedule and when it gets thrown off and I don’t know what’s happening, I just— I just _panic_. And I know Katara always makes fun of me for exaggerating what could happen, but I actually believe it and I don’t even know why because it’s so, so _stupid_.”

“It is not stupid. Hey. Look at me.” Suki barely got him to turn his head, and he nuzzled back into her shoulder almost immediately after revealing his badly bloodshot eyes. Whatever happened was beyond anything she’d known about him before. “Okay, that’s fine, but listen, okay? It’s not stupid. I know you feel like you’re not as important sometimes and it’s easy for you to think that we don’t care or that it’s ridiculous—”

“Because it _is_. It’s like— it’s like I _know_ what I’m doing is stupid and ridiculous, but I can’t stop it. I just keep doing these things over and over and I _know_ it’s stupid and I _know_ they don’t do anything but every time I try to stop it just feels like the end of world. I shut down like this. I can’t— I can’t think or work or _breathe_ and it _sucks._ It _sucks_ but I can’t figure out how to stop it.”

Suki didn’t respond right away, dragging her fingers through Sokka’s hair a few more times as she processed what he said. It didn’t make sense with the situation. Not unless it went beyond the schedules. She took a deep breath, hoping Sokka would understand and follow, and it worked. He slowly calmed himself back down again, and only when he was back on a steady pattern of breathing did Suki finally open her mouth to speak.

“What are you talking about?” she asked, careful that she didn’t sound too harsh with her question. Sokka only shook his head, refusing to elaborate more on what he’d referenced. Of course, he couldn’t let it be simple. “Please talk to me, Sokka. I want to help you, but I can’t do that if I don’t know what’s going on.”

He said nothing again, this time pulling out of Suki’s grasp. Sokka brushed his hands over his eyes, sniffing as he leaned back against the wall. He pulled his knees into his chest again, staring down to his toes instead of meeting Suki’s gaze. She wanted to ask him more questions, to help herself understand what was happening, but she didn’t want to push him too far and risk making things even worse. So, she waited what must’ve been minutes before he finally spoke.

“I have these… weird things I do,” Sokka mumbled, biting down on his lip. “They’re not new, it’s kind of been going on forever, but I guess it’s just been getting worse with everything going on, and I’ve never— I’ve never told anyone before. I just have these stupid, _stupid_ feelings, like… one of the newest ones is that I _have_ to check all the doors and the windows before I fall asleep or else I think someone is going to come in and kill you guys.”

“That’s okay. I know how protective you are.” She reached a hand out to squeeze his arm reassuringly, but it didn’t help. He only shook his head again, giving her no clue. “Seriously, I understand your fear, but we’re safe here.”

“See, the problem isn’t that I don’t know that, it’s that I _do_. I _know_ that we’re safe and I _know_ that me checking the doors doesn’t make a difference, but I have to do it. I can’t stop myself. I do the same things over and over because they don’t feel _right_ and I count everything all the time and I always, _always_ feel like something horrible is going to happen and I can’t get the thoughts out of my head and I hate it. I hate it _so much_.”

“Thank you for telling me.” It wasn’t the right thing to say but they were the first words she thought of and she didn’t want the silence to last for too long. Suki gave herself a quick moment to gather her thoughts after assuring Sokka she didn’t think less of him for his confession. “I want you to know right now that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, but I understand why it’s so frustrating. Did you say this has been going on for a long time?”

Sokka nodded. “Since I was a kid. Little things. It got worse.”

“Do you know if there’s anything that helps with it?”

There was a long pause before he shook his head all over again, twisting his fingers around in his lap. The look in Sokka’s eyes was almost defeated, as if he just had nothing else to say. Like he was just accepting that whatever his unconscious mind was doing was the boss of him and he had to sit back and take it. Suki reached out to him again, not forcing him into a hug, but giving him the opportunity to take it. He hesitated before he did.

It was a little odd being in that position. Suki never saw her boyfriend in such a raw state before, but she didn’t hate it. It was hard to watch but she was glad he felt comfortable opening up to her. Being honest about everything that was bothering him no matter how difficult it had to be to admit to that. She didn’t know how to say it, but she was so proud of him for being able to open up the way he had.

“Distractions,” Sokka mumbled suddenly, his voice muffled as he nuzzled into Suki’s shoulder. She shifted her arms around his back, holding him close. If that was how he felt safest, hiding himself in her grasp, she was happy to let him stay there; listening to her heartbeat and following her breaths. “Reading is my favorite but sometimes it’s really hard to focus so I— I try to do something else instead.”

“Is there anything I could do with you?” When Sokka failed to respond right away, Suki took note that she might have been too forward and pulled herself back. “That is, if you’re okay with it and you want me to. I’ll leave you alone if that’s what feels better.”

“No, it’s okay. Please don’t go. I’m sorry for being so stupid, I just—”

“Sokka, I wasn’t saying I would leave because I didn’t want to be in here, I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t making you uncomfortable. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay, okay? You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re still not doing anything wrong.”

For a moment, she thought he was going to shake his head yet again, but when he moved, he nodded. Sokka still didn’t pull out of her grasp, his arms draped around her back and his head buried in her shoulder, but it felt like he was beginning to relax. Like his breaths were evening out and his hands were ceasing their shaking. Suki dragged her hands through his hair again, hesitating before she reached out for the tie which still lay on the floor.

The pieces were smaller and a little hard to work with, but Suki managed to pull Sokka’s hair back into place without a hitch. She carefully looped the fabric around his wolftail, not nudging him out of place as she finished her work and planted another kiss to the top of his head. Sokka’s fingers gripped around her back, squeezing her shirt as he sniffed and adjusted his head against her chest. It was okay. He was hurting and scared but he was okay. They were okay.

“Do you want to help me make lunch?” asked Suki, gently stroking the back of Sokka’s head. “I know it’s not the most fun thing in the world, but it might help keep your mind off things for a bit.”

“You’re just trying to use me for free labor.” She couldn’t help but smile when he made the joke. It was the confirmation she needed to know that he was improving. “You’re still bitter because Katara lets Aang get out of his turn whenever Zuko decides he wants to do extra training.”

“Well, I’m sorry if it doesn’t seem very fair to me, like— hey.” Though she’d planned to go on with the joke, Suki cut herself off when Sokka sniffed again. She gently nudged his chin, urging him to meet her gaze. “Are you okay, Sokka?”

“Better.” He nodded but closed his eyes and turned back into her shoulder. “Need a minute.”

“Okay.” Suki let out a deep breath, pulling him in a little closer. “Take all the time you need.”


End file.
